Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
