Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
