sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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