guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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