ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
FUCK WHALES
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
