Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
