It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
