Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
