I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
