I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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