You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
