I'm laying in your front yard are you home
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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