new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
