his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
