whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
