Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
