I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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