Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
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