So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
