There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
