I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
