I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
