dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
