Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I still have a little drunk in my system
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
