Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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