i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
