i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
