someone get that fucking seahorse.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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