Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
