So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
