Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
