did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
