My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
