That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
