Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
