someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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