I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
