never play flip cup with pint glasses
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
