I want to stick my p in your. b.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
