bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
