Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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