made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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