walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
