I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
