I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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