you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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