Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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