I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
