Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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