Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
